The Power of “Yes…And” For Caregivers
Many people living with dementia become unable to track what they are experiencing and their recent memories fade and ultimately disappear. The brain can’t track “empty” space where those memories were and instead jumps back to their last remembered experiences. Having years or decades of their lives erased in this way can cause many conflicts with others when they try to live as their past selves.
I have known 82 year olds who believed they were in the 8th grade in school, people who had been retired for over a decade trying to leave for work and those who have lived in the same home for over 30 years ask daily when they can “go home.” These impulses, beliefs and habits are often the most stressful moments for their care partners who won’t see a breakthrough until they are willing to not argue, correct or try to change the beliefs of the person who no longer has the ability to orient to their current life situation.
Using the model that is taught in theater improvization, actors learn that “No” or “You can’t” is replaced by “Yes….and.” For the elders I mentioned above, the response to the “8th grader” could be “Ah, yes – 8th grade and you have always been such a good student. Should we get some books from the library?” Instead of correcting, we can use the need/interest/reality of the person to help guide them to a meaningful activity. The person who feels they need to leave for work may not be able to give that up without feeling a sense purpose in another area. A possible response could be, “Yes, your work makes a lot of difference for so many people. I’m going the same direction today, could you help me clean this up so we can go together?” Much of the time, when a person has an impulse to move/go/leave, they will need to take a walk or go driving to find other ways to solve that need. For people who are home but still is asking to “Go home,” they are probably not feeling comfortable or “at home” even inside their own skin as they remember perhaps a home from their early adulthood or childhood as the “home” that would feel real. Therefore, a response that could lead to peace and connection is, “Yes, I know it is hard to be here. I really wish I could do something about that. This is tough, isn’t it?” Knowing it is the dementia causing the uneasiness, not being at home or not, can help care partners assist the person feel more comfortable, offering soothing activities or experiences (hugs, back rubs, a cup of hot chocolate, a warm blanket etc.).
When care partners can look for the deeper need fortheir loved one and realize that the presenting problem usually isn’t the real problem, they are free to assist, support and explore for options that will keep everyone happy, safe and fulfilled. This is the work we offer at Town Square – going back in time to a happier place with our members to help them experience belonging, acceptance, purpose and successful outcomes. Please reach out if you are struggling with issues like these. I would love to connect with you and your loved one to brainstorm options with you.
– Jillien Erdman, BS, ACC, CDP, CADDCT
March 2026